Now you may not know this about me but I am the nicest guy in the world. But when I see someone with a sloppy cold or flu, or some other infectious looking disease, well maybe for the good of all mankind, they should be put down. I know that doesn’t make me sound like the nicest guy in the world, but follow my reasoning. I believe a virus that causes the common cold is an alien. An alien that wants to spread and take over. That’s the only explanation for an otherwise responsible person who contracts this virus and begins sneezing and coughing and wiping snot from their dripping noses. Then, going around touching everything like other people’s TV remotes or offering to shake hands and kiss someone’s kids. It’s the alien controlling the host, getting him or her to perpetuate the invasion.
Most of us have seen the movie The Thing with Kurt Russell; or, the Invasion of the Body Snatchers where the aliens take over and replace humanity. Now I ask you, if I saw one of these aliens would I be vilified if I stopped the invasion by using a blow torch to snuff them out? Okay, saying that out loud does sound wrong, but how about as an alternative we put them in isolation like they do for Ebola patients and make them prove that they are free of the alien invader? Or, if we still suspect that something is wrong, we can deport them to Mexico or Canada? I mean even if they are U.S. citizens, Canada, the most compassionate country in the world would take them in. They will even get free health care. And Mexico… well, President Trump’s going to make them pay for the wall isn’t he? So they’ll have no choice. They’ll have to take our sick people and like it!
Let’s not forget that Trump is one of the most famous germaphobes around.
Well, maybe I’m wrong about this, I’m writing this late at night and I’m feeling a little feverish. And, uh, I didn’t tell you where I am, did I? Ah choo! On second thought, this is a terrible idea. Let’s forget I even mentioned it.