Why I Stopped Going to the Emergency Room… For Now

I don’t know if ever mentioned why I stopped going to the emergency room every time I had chest pains. It wasn’t the fact that if they admitted me overnight and it was a false alarm that I would be on the hook for over $2,000. The last time that I took myself to the emergency room, I had an epiphany. It started out like all the other times that I had chest pains. I walked into triage, gave them my insurance card and implored them not to let me die. They took my vitals like all the other episodes, temperature and blood pressure. They put an IV in and drew my blood for testing; they looked at my eyes and ears and popped an aspirin in my mouth. Finally, they sent me for a CAT scan, this was exactly the same as my previous experiences. The only difference was that this hospital was overcrowded and because of this they had three people in every room, separated merely by thin linen curtains. I found myself in the center with one male patient on my left and another on my right.

The nurse came in and came towards my bed, “good news” she said, “the first blood test came back negative, we should have the results of the next one in about an hour and then the doctor will come in and see you.” This happened all the other previous times, if the second test came back negative they’d probably say it was a gastric issue. I knew they were always wrong and was wondering if at this hospital they would have cardiologists who really knew their stuff and would finally find that rare heart ailment I’d always suspected I had. As I waited for the results of the second test, a doctor walked into the partition next to me. This patient had been coughing and sneezing for over an hour, “Mr. Russo I’m Dr. Newfield, the test they gave you when you first came in has come back positive for the flu.” “Ugh,” I thought to myself and rolled away from him, now facing the opposite curtain.

The guy in there was also coughing but not sneezing, he had a deeper, mucousy cough. The doctor then walked towards him, and because I was now facing him, I could hear everything. “Hello Mr. Murphy I’m Dr. Newfield, are you feeling any better now?” I could barely make out the word no, because he was coughing so intensely, “How long have you had tuberculosis?” asked the doctor. My eyes were popping out of my head, “I don’t have TB,” he replied coughing up a lung, “my wife has it.” The doctor then said, “Well I’m sorry, but you have it also now.”

It would be just my luck, I thought to myself, to come in with another bogus heart attack only to leave with tuberculosis and a side order of the flu. I didn’t even want to see the doctor, because by now he’s a carrier. I saw the nurse walking past my section, “Nurse!” “Nurse!” I cried out, “check please!”

Sometimes it’s Better Not to go to the Doctor

 A few Sundays ago I was engaged in my favorite pastime lying on the sofa watching sports and overindulging myself with super unhealthy foods. There was chips and dip, pepperoni and beer, ice cream of course and assorted pastries. These were a prelude to the garlic chicken I ordered from the local Chinese restaurant. I don’t know why but approximately a half an hour after consuming this feast I started to feel a tremendous pain in my stomach, chest and back. It felt like I had kidney stones all over. That night I slept maybe 45 minutes, as the pain was excruciating. Nothing helped not my 24 hour Nexium or my chewable Pepcid Complete.

The next day I had gone to work and the pain had not gotten any better, if anything it had gotten worse. When you’re in pain like this never discuss it with a co-worker. My fellow employee said I should immediately go to an urgent care because she didn’t like my color. She said that I could be fooling myself and this could be a heart attack. Really? That’s all you have to say to a hypochondriac! Fifteen minutes later I was at the Urgent Care begging the doctor not to let me die.

The Doctor gave me an EKG and a chest x-ray. She said she didn’t think it was my heart and that I should make an appointment with my gastroenterologist. I was feeling slightly relieved until she said “I did see some fluid in your right lung so I’m going to give you some antibiotics just in case.”

That same day I was at my gastroenterologist. I have periodic endoscopies for my Acid Reflux and since the pain had not gotten better I felt I should set up an appointment for another scope. He asked me a number of questions and I could see concern on his face.

“Look he said, I don’t want to put you under anesthesia until you have had a complete heart work up with your cardiologist.”

“Why? What do you suspect?” I stammered.

“Probably nothing, but with your history of type 2 diabetes, I would like you to go. It’s not an emergency,” he said, “but if you can do this by tomorrow it would be prudent.”

I was so stunned I couldn’t speak. The only thing that snapped me out of it was when he said,

“Roll over on your side and pull your underwear down. I want to give you a digital exam.”

“WHOAAAAAAAAA!” I believe I cried out, “That was painful.”

Then he tested the sample.

“Oh good no blood,” he said

“No blood? With what you just did there should be plenty of blood.”

That was the most painful digital exam I’ve ever had. The next day, you guessed it, I was at my cardiologist. He did a thorough exam.

“Don’t worry. It’s not your heart. Tell your gastroenterologist he can scope you.”

I was relieved and ready to go until he stopped me and said

“I would feel more comfortable if you went to your primary care physician first and kept him in the loop.”

I could swear there was a look of concern on his face and a forced smile. So the next day before work, I went to my primary. He examined me and agreed I should get scoped. I was ready to leave when he said,

“Listen, you have type 2-diabetes. I want you to see an ophthalmologist as soon as possible. I don’t want you to have a problem with your eyesight.”      

“Ok,” I said resigned to another doctor’s visit. “But do you think you can give me a prescription for Xanax first?”

Green Light for Lethal VirusES

I may never sleep again. I have just read that the U.S. government is ending its ban on creating lethal viruses. Just what we all want for our tax dollars the creation of more super bugs. According to a scientist from the National Institutes of Health (NIH), work can now begin on the creation of new super viruses. Hooray! I wonder if the NIH knows it is supposed to keep us healthy. Some scientists applaud this because they could show how viruses like the bird flu can mutate to infect humans and will help with creating new vaccines. Other scientists, the sane ones in my judgment, are against this. They say researchers risk creating a monster germ that can escape the lab and create a pandemic. Is anybody as nervous as I am?

But proponents say that a government panel will judge what experiments are sound. And, of course, they will be done in a high security lab. There are two words that worry me more than monster bugs- and they are: government panels.

Government panels have given us such swell ideas as the new tax plan for the middle class that gives all the money to the rich. Government panels have decided how we spend our military budget which is larger than the next ten countries put together. And let’s not forget it was government panels that have interpreted that our founding fathers intent was for all citizens to own as many machine guns as they can afford. But in all fairness, they have drawn the line at allowing us to own bazookas- at least for now.

Shouldn’t we trust government panels? Haven’t they kept us all safe so far?

In 2014 federal funding was stopped when the public became aware that scientists were endeavoring to make the Bird Flu, SAARS virus and MERS more dangerous than they occur in nature. What can be the next move? How we can ramp up earth quakes or strengthen volcanoes- oh yeah- I bet you they are working on plans for that right now.

A scientist from the NIH notes that the new regulation applies to any pathogen that can potentially cause a pandemic. For example, the article states they could try to develop an Ebola virus that can be transmitted through the air. Wow! That’s an exciting prospect.

A scientist says that they want to make sure they are doing this right. I imagine that is where the government panels come in.

In 2011 an outcry arose when laboratories in Wisconsin and the Netherlands were engineering the Bird Flu to make it easier to jump from birds to humans using ferrets as the link. They also published some results which they later admitted might be helpful to bio-terrorists. Well everyone needs help sometimes.

Currently I’m breathing in and out of a paper bag.

Don’t worry about a thing. The government is on this with secure labs, except when they’re not. Like the time the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention accidently exposed lab workers to Anthrax in 2014. They also shipped a deadly flu virus to a lab that asked for a benign strain.

According to the NY Times article I read, Marc Lipsitch, an epidemiologist who directs the Center for Communicable Disease Dynamics at Harvard School of Public Health said this kind of research has given us some modest scientific knowledge and done almost nothing to improve our preparedness for pandemics, and yet risked creating an accidental pandemic. Therefore, he hoped the government panels would turn down such work.

Of course, private laboratories with private funding can do this work. (We are losing control here.) I should think that Dr. Frankenstein and all the other mad scientists have been born before their time. Have no fear I’m sure there are plenty of mad scientists left. Our only hope is that the new tax plan will not only leave no money for Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security but also none for these experiments.

Anyway, when my wife asks me what I want for my birthday I’ll tell her a Hazmat suit.    

New Alternative to Adult Diapers

I just finished reading an advertisement in the newspaper that was made to look like a science article. It had tiny print at the top that said advertisement. The article/ad was entitled “New Alternative to Adult Diapers and Catheters Sets Men Free.”  At first, I thought that meant no more underwear. But I was wrong. Apparently it was like the American Revolution of urine collectors.                          

The article states that there are four million men in this country who secretly wear adult diapers. Not to mention an equal number who wear women’s panties. But that’s apparently not for medical reasons.                 

This device doesn’t cause any of the problems associated with adult diapers or catheters. Thank goodness I don’t yet know what those problems are. Although I don’t want to appear callous to those of you who do.

The article goes on to say that the device is made of a friendly material that attaches to the tip of the male anatomy. I don’t know about you but anything that attaches to the tip of my anatomy would have to be friendly. It goes on to say that four million men are already using the device, and since it previously stated that four million are wearing adult diapers, it looks like problem solved.      

Why are they still advertising? Oh I get it, this device is covered by Medicare and Medicaid; adult diapers are not. And the article says this device, no pun intended, will sink the seven billion dollar adult diaper industry.

One man’s testimonial states that he has been set free. He can wear cargo shorts in the summer and not worry. This guy mentions he wears shorts with an 11” inseam. (This fact was not pertinent. I just think he was bragging.) He does go on to say that he had no worries when he went to his grand-daughters graduation. He was smiling from ear to ear (kind of like an infant who was relieving himself). He goes on to inform us that the hidden drain nozzle (say that three times fast) sits above his hemline so he can stand at the urinal like all the other guys. (I hope he remembers to unzip.)

There is also a recommendation from Dr., and I swear this is true, Cockburn- Dr. Cockburn says he personally tried it (I imagine just for the hell of it).

I wonder, is this the same Dr. Cockburn who did that testimonial on last year’s new Gonorrhea drug?

I have some alternative treatments that I came up with myself.

First, if you are going on a long driving trip bring an empty bottle of lemon lime Gatorade. It has a wide bottle top and lemon lime is the same color as urine.  Just don’t forget that it’s not Gatorade!

Second, if you are going to your grand-daughter’s graduation, consider going to the urinal before taking your seat.

Third, try not drinking anything. This works like a charm. Just be aware this can lead to dehydration and fainting. Although, rest assured, even unconscious you will stay dry.

Note: The advertisement on which this post is based originally appeared in The New York Times. 

Good News for Germaphobes

I recently read that it is perfectly acceptable etiquette for a man or a woman to ask someone out for a date over the internet. As a matter of fact, according to a friend of mine you can have the whole date online. He told me he recently had a torrid affair via computer. The sex, he said, was tremendous. I still can’t get that disturbing image of him feverishly typing with one hand out of my mind- yuck!

Anyway, he said she was beautiful; young, blond, blue eyed with a dynamite body. She even posted nude pictures of herself online. Now, my friend is in his sixties- paunchy and balding. So I said to him, “why would this young beautiful woman be interested in you?” “Well,” he said, “I posted nude pictures of myself online, also. Of course I used another guy’s picture… some thirty year old- well built and well hung from a porn magazine”

(“I wonder what kind of porn magazines he is reading.”) “Are you sure she didn’t do the same thing?”… “I mean, what if that was an old picture she posted? What if she’s overweight and in her sixties? Oh my G-d, what if that is not her, either? What if she is a he… a balding paunchy guy in his mid-sixties?” We both said “yuck” at the same time!

Not to go off-track, it seems to me that the internet is perfect for germaphobes. You can have a complete relationship online. You can even create a child by donating either sperm or eggs, depending on your gender. You can get married or create a custody contract without ever being in the same room. Of course, you could still do it the old fashioned way. I myself am a germaphobe, but I have a very healthy physical relationship with my wife. Of course, I have the woman constantly checked out – you know - medically. But, I can see why some germaphobes might consider the internet a good option.

In Defense of Militant Germaphobes

Now you may not know this about me but I am the nicest guy in the world. But when I see someone with a sloppy cold or flu, or some other infectious looking disease, well maybe for the good of all mankind, they should be put down. I know that doesn’t make me sound like the nicest guy in the world, but follow my reasoning. I believe a virus that causes the common cold is an alien. An alien that wants to spread and take over. That’s the only explanation for an otherwise responsible person who contracts this virus and begins sneezing and coughing and wiping snot from their dripping noses. Then, going around touching everything like other people’s TV remotes or offering to shake hands and kiss someone’s kids. It’s the alien controlling the host, getting him or her to perpetuate the invasion.

Most of us have seen the movie The Thing with Kurt Russell; or, the Invasion of the Body Snatchers where the aliens take over and replace humanity. Now I ask you, if I saw one of these aliens would I be vilified if I stopped the invasion by using a blow torch to snuff them out? Okay, saying that out loud does sound wrong, but how about as an alternative we put them in isolation like they do for Ebola patients and make them prove that they are free of the alien invader? Or, if we still suspect that something is wrong, we can deport them to Mexico or Canada? I mean even if they are U.S. citizens, Canada, the most compassionate country in the world would take them in. They will even get free health care. And Mexico… well, President Trump’s going to make them pay for the wall isn’t he? So they’ll have no choice. They’ll have to take our sick people and like it!

Let’s not forget that Trump is one of the most famous germaphobes around.

Well, maybe I’m wrong about this, I’m writing this late at night and I’m feeling a little feverish. And, uh, I didn’t tell you where I am, did I? Ah choo! On second thought, this is a terrible idea. Let’s forget I even mentioned it.

Things to Be Frightened of and to Avoid At All Costs

I’m frightened of Doctors Talk Radio. My wife seems to always have this station playing in her car when I get in. They discuss symptoms of serious diseases, possible treatments, side effects of medication, etc. Last week alone I came down with three different diseases. I heard one doctor describing symptoms of brain tumors, another one was going on about diverticulitis and a third was diagnosing the often undiagnosed ailment Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease. These radio shows begat three different visits to my primary doctor. This man is paying for his eldest daughter’s wedding with my co-pays- which by the way, have doubled since the so-called Affordable Care Act was enacted. I’m convinced the word affordable is an inside joke between the president and the medical insurance industry whose lobbyists coincidentally wrote the bill.

Other things to avoid are pharmaceutical commercials. Have you ever listened to those disclaimers?  Virgilia is a G-d send for people with allergies. But, it’s not for everyone. See a physician if you develop hives, watery eyes, blue tongue, anal leakage or the passing of gas in elevators. Pains from the chest that go into the arm should be reported immediately as this can lead to sudden death.

Man, I take two or three of those medications. Now every morning before I take them I cross myself religiously… and I’m not even Catholic. But the scariest commercial and it should be avoided at all costs, is one that I saw late last night when I couldn’t sleep (did I mention I have insomnia?) This guy with a plaid shirt and a cowboy hat comes on. He smiles and puts his foot up on a stool and says “Hi, my name is Bob, and let me tell you, these here catheters are way more comfortable than those other ones I was using. Send money to this address and get a year’s supply. Believe you me, you’ll notice the difference.

I don’t know what scared me more. That this guy was smiling as he talked about catheters or that they are making commercials about them. And if they are making commercials about them, that must mean that millions of people are using them. Is there something that I don’t know? What are they using these things for outside of hospitals?  Is this the future? Scary stuff!

Some Medical Procedures Can Even Be Enjoyable

Recently, I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night with tremendous pain in my legs. The pain then turned into a horrible cramping in my calves. The pain was excruciating. I had to pull my toes back with my hands and was screaming in pain- which didn’t do my wives sleeping any good. She was very sympathetic as she’d ask me if I could walk. As I planted my feet on the floor I told her the pain was terrible, but I could walk.

She said “Good. Now walk into another bedroom so I can get some sleep.”

Such caring touched me and I wanted to touch her back but I’ve never hit a woman. Anyway, I realized then that this is why people drown while swimming after eating. If you ever get a pain like this while in the water you’re going to die no doubt.

A friend of mine told me this could be an electrolyte imbalance. If you don’t have enough potassium you could get muscle cramps. I was hoping that this was the case as the other alternative could be “I don’t want to say it” blood clots!

I decided to believe that it was lack of potassium as the other cause could be not only painful, but fatal.

After consuming more bananas (high in potassium) then all of the primates in the Bronx Zoo monkey house I was still having these agonizing muscle cramps.

I finally made an appointment with my primary care physician. I know he’s the primary because all of my co-pay checks are made to him even though I am usually shuttled off to one of his physician assistants.

I told his physician’s assistant about my terrible cramping and that I was pretty sure I had a life-threatening clot. He was hardly sympathetic. He told me there were many things that could be causing this and that it was not necessarily a clot. What a schmuck, I thought to myself. Of course it’s probably a clot. And, I believed that the safest course of action was to test for it.

“I want a Doppler sonogram test on the veins in my legs,” I demanded. I kind of looked at myself as the real primary doctor and believed these guys were my consulting physicians.

So the next morning I went to a radiology center for the test. I was led into the testing room by an extremely beautiful technician.

“I’ll need you to take off your pants for the test” she said.

“Yes, certainly” I replied in a hypnotic-like state. This woman was not only attractive but had the body of a Sports Illustrated swim suit model. I took my pants off in a trance and lay on the table.

“I’m going to put some lubrication on this wand and I’ll rub it up and down your legs. I’ll have to start up at your groin.”

“Yes certainly!” I think I said in a fog. She worked the wand from my groin down my leg to my calf.

“This leg is good, no clots. I’m going to test the other one. Okay?”

“Yes certainly” I mumbled. She worked the wand down my other leg better than before. I fell into a dream. In the dream I was getting ready for the happy ending.

“Well, I’m happy to tell you there are no clots”, she said.        

“Are you sure” I asked. “Don’t you think you should repeat the exam just to be thorough?” 

“No”, she responded. “You are fine. You can put on your pants now.” 

I left feeling a sense of relief but unsatisfied.

I Should Have Married A Cardiologist

Recently I have been diagnosed as having the flu. I had typical symptoms in the beginning; Sore throat, cold, headache, nausea, sweating, etc. As the weeks past all the symptoms slowly abated. But after four weeks I still had no energy and was still breaking out in sweats and suffering with nausea. Now these are also symptoms of heart disease. But, as someone who has been branded as a hypochondriac by family and friends I did not want to run to the cardiologist. As the days went on, though, I got more nervous every day. So I decided to run to my cardiologist. I called for an appointment. I described my symptoms to the nurse. I told her how worried I was and she told me to hold on so she could check the doctor’s schedule.

“Okay, she said, “ I can get you in on September 15.” Considering it was July 29, and I was anxious that I was having a heart event, I wasn’t thrilled that the appointment was so far in the future.

“Doesn’t the doctor have anything soon- like today?” I reminded her that my symptoms were classic heart attack symptoms.

“ Well,” she said, “I may have a cancellation on September 5. I’ll call you when I know.”

“Well, if I’m still alive then- I’ll take it. But isn’t there a way to get me in sooner? I’m not feeling well and I’m getting more anxious everyday,” I begged.

“This is the third time this year that you felt that you are having a heart attack,” she said sarcastically.

I knew I should have gotten a back-up cardiologist, I said to myself.

“And remember, the doctor gave you a complete workup recently,” she replied.

“Well,” I reminded her, “I was fifteen pounds lighter and was taking better care of my Type two diabetes. I mean I have become addicted to Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia in the past six months!”

“Listen,” she said, “if you really think this is an emergency you should go to the hospital’s Emergency Room.”

“The ER! With my insurance do you know what I will be charged if it is a false alarm! Two thousand dollars! And if they charge me two thousand dollars, I’ll definitely have a coronary. And you know what- I’ll blame the doctor for making me wait six weeks. Can’t you please get me in this week to see the doctor?”

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I can’t because the doctor is on vacation. She went to Disney World.”

“Disney-World! Well when she gets back tell her I went to the After World! But if they have any souvenir shops there I’ll try to send her something. Just tell her to visit a psychic.”

"Hello? Hello? … Damn! she hung up!"

Common Fallacies

It is a common fallacy that science will cure all diseases eventually. I just read an article that scientists from Britain and Canada have genetically modified mice to be super intelligent and less anxious. They are doing this in the hope that the discovery will lead to treatments for such disorders as Alzheimer’s, schizophrenia and post traumatic stress disorder. What’s really going to come from this is an up-tick of mice on human crimes. They’ll be more intelligent and less anxious so they will have no fear of raiding the fridge, working out a plan to kill the cat and leaving little droppings on the floor in a pattern that will spell out screw you. We’ll also have to worry about waking up in the middle of the night with glue traps adhered to our faces.

Why in the world are they making mice smarter? Hasn’t any of them ever seen planet of the apes? If they want to make anything smarter, they should start with the electorate; because, if we get any dumber as a people, I can foresee a time when we will vote for a genetically engineered mouse for president. And all they will have to promise us is that parts of them won’t wind up in our fast foods.

You even get the feeling that the head of the FDA might already be a genetically engineered rodent. Can that be the reason that it’s already acceptable FDA practice that we can have a small percentage of rodent hair and feces in our foods? I bet that rat is laughing right now.

If these so called scientists really want to cure diseases they should come up with a 21st century rodent trap or genetically engineer cats. Then we might have something. We may even eliminate hanta virus and bubonic plague.

The Power of Suggestion

I was watching the news when Ebola was breaking out in Africa and some cases had gotten into America. The reporter cautioned that if you had flu like symptoms and had been in contact with someone who just came back from Africa you should contact Center for Disease Control (CDC) immediately. The fact that I occasionally take public transportation and began to feel cold or flu-like symptoms made me panic. Oh no! I thought to myself. I forgot to ask all my fellow passengers if they had recently returned from Africa. Later that day on another cable channel a different reporter cautioned about Lyme disease. Again he said if you feel flu-like symptoms you should check for tick bites that leave a red circular outline. Call your doctor immediately. I stripped all my clothes off (good thing I was home alone) and began checking every inch of my skin in the tri-fold mirror in my bathroom. Whew! I thought, no red circles. But then realized I still was not out of the woods for the Ebola!

The next morning another reporter cautioned about West Nile Virus that you got from mosquito bites. Symptoms were, you guessed it, flu-like. Immediately I stripped naked looking for mosquito bites. This time I was also home. But, unknown to me my wife had someone from the PTA over. That was embarrassing. Over the next few days I saw reports on Dengue fever, SARS, MRSA and rabies. All start with flu-like symptoms. The only one I was definitely able to rule out was rabies as I was not afraid to take a shower. Just about all contagious diseases start with flu like symptoms. The flu, it seemed to me was the chicken of the disease world. All exotic diseases feel like the flu, and all exotic foods taste like chicken.  

What Treatments Are Right For You

I’m not saying that I’m buying into being a hypochondriac. Besides, there’s a lot of confusion about how to deal with symptoms that can be innocuous or a serious ailment. For instance, knowing what treatments are right for you. Take for example that we know that aspirin in useful to stave off heart attacks and strokes. We also know that Advil is good for headaches and muscle pain. I’ve just read an article that states that taking aspirin and Advil together can negate the benefits of aspirin. So if you lift weights, and you get chest pains, it may be a heart attack or it may be a pulled muscle. So, should you take the aspirin thinking it may be your heart or should you take Advil for a possible pulled muscle and risk the heart attack?

Also, if you have a severe headache, should you take aspirin thinking it may be a stroke- G-d forbid- or seek relief with Advil which could be better for a plain headache? And, if you take an aspirin every day to prevent blood clots, can you still use Advil for that strained hamstring? Either way, I think you’ll have to add Xanax to your daily regimen regardless.

Realization

I was sitting in my office speaking to one of my customer’s, a nurse for a local hospital, when the realization hit me. She told me she was an emergency room nurse at Island General Hospital. “Very good emergency room,” I said- “clean… They get you in quickly. Not as good as Westside Hospital,” I added. “You have chest pains they run you right through triage. That’s impressive. Much better then Doctors Hospital of Nassau County, but not as good as South Shore Hospital. They are right up there with the speed of Westside Hospital, but they also pop an aspirin in your mouth and get your chest x-rayed as you are lying on the gurney. Those are the best in our area, though” I said.

“How many emergency rooms have you been to?” she queried. “Well those four, as I’ve said, are the best in our area. I’ve also been at Eastern Nassau. They are pretty good there, but again, not as fast as the others and then maybe three more. Yes, Delaney General… very slow. You could go into cardiac arrest before a doctor sees you. Good Faith Hospital…slow, no aspirin and they always have someone buffing the floors. Clean, but annoying. And SuffolkGeneral… place is filthy. You are better off having a heart attack than going there.”

“How bad is your heart condition?” she asks.

“Oh. I don’t have a heart condition. Usually it turns out to be something gastric.”

“You mean you are not a cardiac patient and you’ve walked into eight emergency rooms in the past two years?” She seemed puzzled.

“Well I have only walked into five. The other three times I went by ambulance. Scared the heck out of my wife the first time,” I said.

“Only the first time?” she questioned.

“Well after that, I kept her out of the loop. The next two times I left her a note that I was having chest pains and that I met the ambulance outside so I wouldn’t disturb her sleep. After that, the insurance company said I would have to pay for any future ambulance trips… and that’s a fortune. So, I started driving myself then.”

“Sounds like anxiety or panic attacks. You must be a hypochondriac,” she observed.

“Hypochondriac? Me?” I mean my friends and family have always called me that, but I thought they were just teasing me- trying to ease my fears about the real health problems that I had that haven’t yet, been correctly diagnosed. 

Note: Hospital names have been changed to protect the mediocre.